Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Laughing Panjandrum's ASCII Dungeons I Want to Explore - The Imminent Church Engine

I have no idea who Imminent Church Engine is, and I can't remember how I initially found a link to their website, but I'm glad I saved a copy. They've created two quite-beautiful dungeon maps using only colorful ASCII text characters, and I'm hopeful that they'll eventually create more.

Church of the Ailing Flower by Imminent Church Engine

Tomb of King Oraine by Imminent Church Engine

The first is the Church of the Ailing Flower. I think it may technically be the larger of the two, though that's in part because of the large exterior space. In all, there's fewer rooms and less going on in here. The small square rooms on the right-hand side are also meant to be stocked using a small random table during play.

The second in the Tomb of King Oraine (also called the Tomb of Cursed Glass on that index page I linked to.) This one has more rooms, more interesting paths and loops, and more going on. There's more treasure and a few different factions for the player characters to interact with. Personally, I also find this one prettier. There's more contrast, and even areas with a lot of similar-colored tiles have a bit of variation that breaks the possible monotone up nicely. The pink numbers also look good against all those cool colors. I think the only way I could like it more would be if the background were dark blue instead of black. I definitely feel an urge to try copying this visual style.

I would categorize both these adventures as "horror," since both involve exploring a creepy abandoned space, piecing together clues about what awful thing happened here in the past, and then potentially fighting a single large and extremely dangerous monster at the climax. Which isn't to say there aren't a number of small monsters in each dungeon, but the "boss" of each area is much more dangerous than anything else in the place. (Although by this argument, Mega Man is also a horror game, so my definition might be flawed.)

The writing here is pretty terse, but manages to pack in a lot of visual detail, and in both cases, the dungeons are fairly tightly themed. The Church has a lot of floral and, well, church imagery, while the Tomb is full of machines and glass. Here's an example that really highlights the visual imagery of the writing, from the entryway to the Tomb:

"1 Entrance - Tomb door is shut but unlocked, overgrown with vines. Hall also overgrown with lichen and flowers. Sunlight shines through cracks in the ceiling."

The monsters and treasures are all unique here. The monsters are written up in a way that's rules-light and is basically universally compatible. You get the number of hit dice, how they attack, and how they defend themselves. A couple monsters have special considerations, like the fact that if a Creeping Thing kills someone, it'll "begin to ravenously devour the victim, ignoring all else." Again, the writing here is brief, but I think gives you enough to work with so you're not grasping at straws. The treasure is similar, brief descriptions of the objects, followed by a price, denominated in silver.

There's something so fascinating seeing something like these two dungeons. The art is an aesthetic I've seen before, but not often, and not recently, outside of roguelike video-gaming. There's a spark of vital creativity, yet the text also has the hallmarks of someone who's well familiar with the evaluative standards that Bryce Lynch of Ten Foot Pole, for example, applies to adventure writing. But who is the author, what are their views, have they used these at the table, do they have a blog? Who knows. Instead they just sit there, deprived of context, not even a diamond in the rough - a diamond in the void.

Be sure to check Imminent Church Engine's page again in the future to see if they post any more of these images.

Update: After posting this, Laughing Panjandrum, the creator of these images, reached out to me and shared their blog link. You can find them at Imminent Demon Engine, where they're currently writing about a Dark Sun -esque setting!

Sunday, February 17, 2019

My Suggestion for a Community Response to the Abuser in the RPG Scene

On February 10th, Mandy Morbid spoke out publicly about how her ex-boyfriend abused her, and how he tried to manipulate her into helping him abuse other women. Her statement was immediately supported by two other women, Jennifer and Hannah, and on February 12th, Vivka Grey spoke out publicly as well. I believe these women. I think their bravery in speaking up to help protect others from being abused by this man in the future is nothing short of heroic.

The man who abused them is Zak Smith, one of the most prominent figures in the online RPG scene.

Very quickly, people who had once been Zak Smith's close friends spoke out to say that they knew him well, knew Mandy Morbid well, and although they hadn't seen the abuse taking place, they believed her account of it. They also explained how he had emotionally abused the people who thought they were his friends, including themselves. You can read accounts from Patrick Stuart, Scrap Princess, Kenneth Hite, Kiel ChanierStacy Dellorfano, Jack McNamee, Ben L, Arnold K, Emmy AllenZedeck Siew, Geist, Luka Rejec, Jeff RussellLSkirin, Fiona Maeve Geist. It also took bravery for these people to speak up, to admit things they did because Zak Smith asked them to, and to confess to ways he hurt them that they might have preferred to keep private. That takes courage too, and I admire it.

Zak Smith fought online endlessly with people in the RPG scene. He hurt the people he fought with, and his fights hurt the entire community of RPG players. You can read accounts from Michael Prescott, Alex Schroeder, Alex Schroeder, Brian Harbon, Skerples. My own experiences were most similar to theirs. I hid from him, was afraid of him. I never linked to his blog, never talked about him in any way, not even to condemn him. I watched him hurt people I considered friends so badly that they left the scene. But I also sometimes still read his blog and his other public statements, still permitted his words to influence my opinions about the things he talked about. I still paid money to buy his books. My silence haunts me.

I debated with myself whether to write anything about this. I questioned whether I had anything to add. I still wonder if the potential good of making a statement can possibly outweigh the risk of backlash for making it. But I think one thing that has gone under-remarked so far is the way that the abuse Zak Smith inflicted in his personal life was inextricably connected to his public persona within the RPG scene. I think understanding that is important for understanding what can be done about him now. Everything I say below are conclusions I've drawn from reading the statements I linked to above.

In brief, Zak Smith used his relationships with the women he abused as a way gain status among RPG players. In turn, he used the money, the fame, and yes, the infamy he got from the RPG scene as tools to facilitate his abuse of the women he lived with.

Zak Smith used his relationship with Mandy Morbid and the other women he lived with to promote his blog and his persona as a cool and well-liked guy who already had the private approval of glamorous women. He used their occupations as sex workers as a kind of bait to attract attention and fame. His blog made the promise that if you read it, you could vicariously experience his cool and glamorous lifestyle, that if you bought his books, you could own a small piece of that lifestyle, and that if you befriended him online, you could be part of it. He borrowed and stole these women's grandeur and laundered it through his blog to establish himself as a leader within the RPG scene.

He used his blog and his social-media presence to attract people to him. He drew them in with flattery and praise. He asked them to socially isolate themselves online by interacting only with himself and the others he'd already drawn into his orbit. He asked them to intervene in his fights with outsiders on social media. These people considered themselves his friends, but in their own way, they were also victims of his emotional abuse.

He attempted to make them dependent on him, and to make them complicit in their own abuse. He attempted to make them feel guilty, by telling them, whenever they disagreed with him, that they were abusing him. He attempted to make them place his requests higher than the demands of their own consciences by asking them, in online fights with outsiders, to say and do things that violated their personal morality. And whenever any one of them disagreed with him too much, he declared them outsiders, and used the full weight of everything he knew about them, every secret they confided in him, every bit of guilt he had established in them, to try to destroy them emotionally, and then to persuade them to publicly declare that they deserved to be destroyed.

The people Zak Smith approached often had marginalized identities, and many were socially isolated online and off. Prejudice and social injustice and isolation hurt these people and made them vulnerable, and Zak Smith noticed, affirmed, and then exploited these vulnerabilities, just as any predatory animal is drawn to the scent of blood from an open wound. Mandy Morbid was marginalized by her chronic illness and her occupation, but Zak Smith targeting people like her didn't make him an ally of oppressed peoples or a friend to sex workers.

In turn, Zak Smith's online fame and notoriety fed back into his abuse of the women he lived with. The money, celebrity, and pool of supporters he attracted obviously gave him that many more tools to economically, emotionally, socially, medically, physically, and sexually abuse them. But his enemies were a tool as well. Getting into online fights appears to be the thing he enjoyed most in life, and he used these fights as a tool of control. When Zak Smith appeared to be hurt by an online fight, it led Mandy Morbid to feel sympathetic and protective toward him, it lent her the appearance of power, which he immediately asked her to relinquish to protect him. When the people Zak Smith fought with lashed out at Mandy Morbid, their attacks did hurt her - and while it's true that these attacks remain the fault of the people who committed them, it's also true that he sought out and cultivated conflicts that could rise to that level of hostility, and that he made full use of the hurt those attacks caused to increase her dependency on him for protection. He also directly exploited her name, her reputation, and their relationship in these online fights by writing a defense of himself and demanding that she claim authorship of it and post it on her own website. For countless of his supporters, the idea that he was a good provider and a loving caretaker to Mandy Morbid underwrote their ongoing acceptance of his behavior online.

Zak Smith sought to make the entirety of the RPG scene complicit in his abuse, by giving him attention, money, supporters, and enemies, all of which he used as tools of control. And we let him.

I obviously didn't know about Zak Smith's abuse of Mandy Morbid or the other women he lived with, but it turns out I didn't really understand his public persona either. In one way, I knew that he was a bully who got into online fights, recruited his friends to fight on his behalf, and who was inexhaustible, so that anyone who fought him gave up first. But in another way, I didn't understand him at all. I believed his self-presentation as a smart man with big ideas about art and games, even if I found the way he argued in favor of those big ideas to be abhorrent. I sometimes admired his eloquence, and appreciated when he spoke favorably about something I also enjoyed.

But based on what his former friends have said, I think I was wrong. I think Zak Smith only ever had one idea - and that idea was that Zak Smith is perfect, and other things are good and true to the extent that they resemble Zak Smith, and are false and wrong and evil to the extent that they are different from or displeasing to him.

Based on what his former friends are said, I think you have to presumptively assume that every word he ever said was a lie.

I think all his alleged opinions were just sophistry, pleasant sounding falsehoods masquerading as reasons or causes that he made up to disguise his actual motivation - to praise himself by praising things that reminded him of himself. He said a lot of smart-sounding things about why some RPGs were good, but I think those were post-hoc justifications meant to paper over decisions made purely on the basis of self-interest. I think his only aesthetic theory was that his own art was best.

He said a lot of things that sounded high-minded and morally-righteous against games he disliked and the people who made those games, but I don't think he disliked them because they were wrong, I think they were wrong, in his eyes, because he disliked them, possibly just because they were too different from him for him to praise himself by praising them. And I think his moral theory extended no further than to believe that anything that displeased him was a lie, was ugly, was incorrect, was not merely wrong but actually immoral, that anything and anyone he disliked must be evil. He made so many accusations against others because it followed logically from his first and only axiom that anyone he disliked was guilty of something, even if not the sin he tried framing them for.

He was famously a man who would tell you that you're lying if you quoted his own words back to him. He would say that it was because in quoting him, you were imputing meaning to his words that he didn't intend. But really, it was because anything you said that he disagreed with must be false, and anything he says in response must be true. All his theories and ideas, all his online fights, appeared to be about art or games, but in his eyes they were really only about the issue of his own superiority. If that sounds insane, that's because it is. It's narcissism so severe it verges on solipsism, on believing yourself to be the only real person in the world, and seeing everyone else as akin to animals, or toys, or just things. It's only a step or so removed from declaring yourself to be god.

And as I said before, he tried to make the whole of the RPG scene complicit, by getting us to accept his judgments, to agree with his aesthetics, to believe the false reasons he gave to hide the true basis for his beliefs, to accept his pronouncements of morality.

So what can be done?

There are four theories about the punishment, about the purpose it serves, about the goals is can accomplish. The oldest is retribution, that punishment should harm those who have harmed others. Rehabilitation says that punishment is intended to give the guilty party an opportunity to reform themselves and become better. Deterrence is the idea that we punish one person with the goal of clarifying a moral boundary so that others are forewarned not to cross it. And then there's incapacitation, the idea that you punish someone so that, at least for as long as they're being punished, they can't hurt anyone else.

I know people worry about the justice of attempts to punish people on the internet. But the RPG scene exists at least partially online, and though he hurt Mandy Morbid worse, Zak Smith also hurt the online community of RPG fans. I'm not recommending retribution. I don't think rehabilitation is within our power. I don't know what deterrence would mean here. Drawing a collective moral red-line against abuse might be an important statement of community values, but I doubt that the threat of expulsion from online roleplaying will truly deter any would-be abusers.

But incapacitation interests me, because I think it might just be possible. I think the RPG scene collectively has the power to incapacitate Zak Smith, at least to a limited degree. We may not be able to prevent him from doing harm in the future, but we can reduce his capacity for it. Do not give him money. Do not give him attention. Do not give him a forum to talk in or an audience to listen to him speak. Don't be his friend. Don't be his enemy. Don't try to hurt him. Don't fight with him. Don't stalk, threaten, or harass him. Don't talk with him at all. He is happy enough to have infamy and opponents to fight, and he has proved that he knows how to use those fights to do harm. Let him be ignored. Let him be alone. Deny him the money and materiel and munitions and supporters and foes he needs to make war.

Don't buy his books. Don't visit his website. Don't play his games. Don't listen to his explanations. Don't quote his ideas to me. Don't tell me you still think he was right about this, or that his enemies were wrong about that. I don't want to hear it. I'm sure some of the people he accused of misdeeds actually are guilty - for example the people who used their online fight with him as an excuse to heap further injury onto the women he lived with - but I no longer believe it's possible to think a person is guilty just because Zak Smith said so. If he praised something you liked, find a new reason to praise it. If he criticized something you disliked, find a true reason to criticize it. And in both cases ask yourself if you really liked or disliked them, or if you just let Zak Smith convince you you did. Incapacitate him. Block him, ban him, mute him, ignore him. Take away the tools he used to hurt us. You can't stop him from hurting anyone else in his personal life - Mandy Morbid has done more to protect other women from him than anyone in the online RPG scene ever possibly could - but you can refuse to be complicit in supporting him any longer.

If you've done something wrong, notice that you did it and acknowledge it. Stop doing it now and figure out how to stop yourself from doing it again in the future. Find a way to make amends. An actual "I'm sorry" apology is one way to acknowledge, one possible step in making amends, but it might not be necessary, might even be counterproductive. Don't just do what might make you feel better about yourself. Do something that might genuinely help someone you hurt, or might help others who have been hurt in the same way by someone else.

This is the first time I have posted about Zak Smith on my blog, and I hope it will be the only time. Let this be the end of him.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

My Fifth Edition Fantasies

I'd eventually like to try running a D&D 5e game, although in the mean time, I'm somewhat torn about what campaign I'd like to use 5e for. I have three main campaign ideas, so I'm going to write about each one to help me think about them.

Another time, I'll try to set out exactly what kind of game I think the 5e rules are really good for. For now, suffice it to say that I think 5e characters are most interesting when they're pursuing either personal quests or faction missions, and that the best combats in 5e are "boss fights" with powerful enemies whose defeat is directly related to the characters accomplishing their goals.

Option 1 - The Nutcracker Princess Campaign

In this campaign, the player characters are human children from our world, on the cusp of young-adulthood, who are swept away to a frozen wonderland, where they're the only ones who can broker the peace between once-allied, now-distant kingdoms that face the threat of an invading conqueror. (You know, now that I write that out, this sounds a lot like the plot of the new She-Ra show. That wasn't intentional, I'm okay with it. It might be better, actually, than the campaign would be without that second touchstone.) 

Like human children in Narnia or, well, "The Nutcracker," the player characters are basically considered foreign royalty. Their initial contact is probably with the Mouse-Elf Queen or the Nutcracker King, both of whom want to build a new alliance among the old kingdoms, raise an army of Toy Soldiers, and repel the advances of the Rat King and his terrible army.

The neighboring kingdoms should be familiar to Tchaikovsky fans, the Sugarplum Faeries, Swan Princesses, various lands of candy and pastry. The players missions would likely be to serve as emissaries to the old kingdoms, participating in courtly intrigue, solving problems to win allies, recovering lost regiments of Toy Soldiers, defeating incursions by the Rat King's armies, building a coalition to drive them back to their own distant shore.

Picture everyone in Regency Era and Napoleonic fashion, picture lots of anthropomorphic foodstuffs and objects like in Adventure Time or Beauty & the Beast, imagine navigating strict rules for manners and decorum to arrive at fleeting moments of emotional honesty, imagine lots of ballet dancing, and listen to music tracks on quiet repeat to set the ambiance for each area the players enter.

(If I ran this as something other than 5e, I2TO is tempting for its mass combat rules and its novice-friendly simplicity, while Numenera might make it relatively easy for every princess to have a unique superpower.)

Human children become royalty and recruit Toy Soldiers
image from The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

Royal court in the Flower Kingdom
image from Ballet West and photographer Luke Isley

Lots of princesses
image from She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

Lots and lots and lots of princesses
image from Wreck-It Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet

Option 2 - The Vaults of Azurth

If good artists borrow and great artists steal, then surely the greatest artists of all copy two different things and mash them up. In this campaign, the idea would be to remix Trey Causey's Land of Azurth and Jeff Reints' Vaults of Vyzor. (When you consider that Azurth is Trey's own fanciful take on Oz, and Vyzor is a tribute to the funhouse dungeon's of yore, it's clear that there are also several more layers of borrowing going on here. That also means that I could mix in new ideas based on the same original sources that inspired Trey and Jeff.)

Above ground, the Azurth's World's Fair 189Z is starting to be assembled. Each of the realms of Azurth is converting an abandoned building fairgrounds into an exhibition space, and the fairgrounds are starting to fill with vendors of all stripes. Below ground ... well, who know's what's down there? An adventurer who's brave and resourceful could find out, and potentially earn the favor of the World Emperor in the invitation-only Azure-Windowed Palace at the center of the fair, or catch the attention of one of the fair's other patrons, such as The Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes or Princess In Another Castle.

Trey's Azurth has four lands with different themes - boy's-own-adventure in Sang, girl's-own-adventure in Virid, fairy tales in Nox, and tall tales in Yanth, plus Sapphire City, which I don't know much about. Jeff's Vyzor had color-coded underground vaults with exciting random cultural exhibitions happening on the surface. The vaults were tricky to navigate, but also full of set-piece attractions that made finding the way through worth it. The vaults were also interconnected by secret doors, and finding those interconnections was a goal in itself, and that connectivity is definitely something I'd want to imitate.

(If I ran this one as something other than 5e, the campaign might benefit from the gozo character concepts that are possible in DCC, or GLOG, or why not, even Pathfinder.)

Azurth adventuring party by Steve LeCuilliard

Azurth monsters by Jeff Call

Player's map of Vyzor by Jeff Reints

Judge's map of Vyzor by Jeff Reints

Option 3 - Alchemical Planetary Romance

I'll admit, I've had the seed of this idea ever since reading Dungeon of Sign's review of Twilight Calling. A ring of planets orbits a central castle. Each planet is mis-ruled by a dinosaur tyrant; if the tyrant can be defeated (or persuaded to abdicate, by providing them with their heart's desire) then the planet will be freed, and the revolutionaries will be awarded a prize. With the rewards from all 7 planets - Venus, Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Sun, and Mercury - the player characters can finally enter the last castle and confront (or join!) the court of the dinosaur overlords.

The villagers on each planet have a problem caused by the tyrant, and removing the tyrant solves the problem and transforms the landscape, as in Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. Each planet probably has only a couple villages, a handful of adventure sites, plus a lieutenant's fortress and the tyrant's castle, just as in Mario 3. Each tyrant also has some influence on the other worlds, so the next world in the sequence becomes safer after the previous tyrant is overthrown, like in Mega Man X. The shops in each village start out fairly bare, but trade flows between freed cities, making more cool stuff available to purchase. Each planet is also defined by alchemical correspondences between metal, color, and astrology.

So Venus, for example, is the Green Planet, the Copper Star; it is an over-tended garden, stifled and choked, but if its Brontosaurus Empress is removed, the jungle will will run riot over the land. Mars is the Red Planet, the Iron Star. It's a barren desert with only a few dry canals running through it. If the Icthyosaurus Lich is defeated, the ice caps melt and the desert becomes the seafloor once again and all the tower-cities are revealed to be islands.

In Mystic Quest, the first boss is a Tyrannosaurus skeleton,
and when you beat him, the dying forest you started the game in suddenly turns green. 
I like the juxtaposition of pixel art and concept art.
My all-time favorite concept art is artist Yoshitaka Amano's designs for Final Fantasy VI.
My vision of each planet's surface is a pointcrawl that resembles Mario 3.
Defeating the tyrants transforms each planet and removes hazards from neighboring worlds,
like in Mega Man X where defeating one boss makes another stage safer to navigate.

The problem with all these ideas is that they probably take too much preparatory work to set up. The Nutcracker Princess Campaign probably needs the least, just enough of an idea about what each kingdom and court is like, and a better concept on my part of what actually happens during a game session in this campaign. The Vaults of Azurth would be next; it would take quite a bit of map drawing to get started, and at least the start of the random tables that would populate the exhibition spaces and vendor stalls.

The Alchemical Planetary Romance would be a real labor of love. Doing it right would mean having adventuring sites and dungeons at least one of the planets, a notion of what the tyrant wants that would persuade them to abdicate rather being forced to fight to overthrow them, and plans for the interconnections between planets. Really, that's one that if I could ever do it right, I'd want to be sure to put it into a book, or perhaps a boxed set with cardboard playing mats to represent the planets and the villages and the castles. It would need art, and lots of it, images of each planet before and after it transformed, 16-bit pixel art and hand-drawn "concept art" to depict each world and monster and boss. It's such an oversized idea that it's absurd even to consider it, and yet I hope it's something I could have the time and resources to put together someday.

In the meantime, the Nutcracker Princess Campaign would probably benefit from a consistent player base, while the Vaults of Azurth would likely be the most fun in an open-table setting where different groups of players could compete to find the coolest stuff. It'd be fun to do something set in space, even if my current inspiration is a non-starter. Writing this was helpful, because it lets me see some commonalities across my current ideas. However, if these three are my only ideas for 5e gaming, then I might need to go back to the drawing board...

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Nasjonalmuseet's Treasures I Want to Steal - Arkitekturstriper Tote Bag

I really want this bag.

Design by Bielke & Yang

I can't have it, because I wasn't in Oslo between October 2015 and February 2016, and so I didn't go to the Norwegian National Museum of Architecture, or have the opportunity to pick one up at the museum store.

So I can't have it.

Design by Bielke & Yang

But I want it.

I really want it.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Play Report - DCC Sanctum of the Snail

Just before it was released, I had the chance to playtest The Sanctum of the Snail, a DCC adventure by Josh Burnett from the Bernie the Flumph! blog. The following play report is partially narrated by my lone surviving character, Little Matchstick Greta, the guild beggar. For reasons that will become clear, halfway through the adventure she became incredibly whiny. In my head, she sounds just like the character "Flip" from Connie Willis' novel Bellwether.
Sadly, none of us played as Starfire or Captain Planet.
"It wasn't MY fault we got in a shipwreck! The captain was supposed take us all the way to the CITY, not crash us into some ISLAND!"

A group of travelers had all booked passage on the good ship Starfish to seek a new life in the distant city of Xothma-Ghul. They almost made it too, but shipwrecked on a tiny island only a day away from their destination.
My characters were Greta, Princess Persimmon the noble, Sally Sneakers the cobbler, and Spanakopita the halfling mariner.
Todd started out with Lisk the tailor, Raymundo the herbalist, Orvis the dwarven herder (and his sow Marie), and Tammy the hunter.
Gilbert and Doyce had Kyle the dwarven stonemason, Mournath the dwarven blacksmith, Brian the wizard's apprentice, Geof the woodcutter, Bob the mercenary, Jack the ropemaker, Phil the other mercenary, and Norman the baker.
"Anyway, it was the sharkboys who attacked US! We weren't even DOING anything!"
The travelers got washed ashore amidst a raging storm to find the captain laying dead on the rocks before them, and a gang of 8 hillbilly sharkboys clambering up onto the island to attack them. They saw the sinking remains of the Starfish to one side, and a stone door cut into the rock of the island to the other.
The dwarven brothers Kyle and Mournath were the MVPs of this combat, and frankly, of the entire session. ("No! It was me! I'm the most valuable EVERYTHING!") They recovered the captain's iron khopesh sword, used it to kill one of the sharks, pushed open the heavy stone door, defended it until everyone was inside, and then got it closed again.
Meanwhile, Raymundo, Tammy, Geof, Bob, and Norman got torn to shreds with nothing to show for it. Greta, Princess Persimmon, Sally, Spanikopita, Brian, Jack, and Phil only survived because they ran for it. Lisk killed one sharkboy with his scissors, then got eaten too. Orvis only survived because he threw his beloved sow Marie to the sharks, who ate her instead of chasing him.
The sharkboys did a fair bit of bumbling too. The rolled at least 3 fumbles, resulting in a sharkboy tripping over his own tail and faceplanting, another breaking his teeth biting the rocks, and a third pratfalling by tripping over a sharkboy corpse.
"I didn't even WANT to go in that old door! I wanted to go back to the SHIP! It was those dwarf brothers who MADE us do down there! It was THEIR idea!"
Spanakopita realized the tide was coming in and that the whole island was going to submerge when it did. Fortunately, the stonemasonry on the door was excellent, and it fit so well no water leaked in. Kyle used a rope and a flask of oil to make a lantern, and Mournath used a second rope to create a handhold as the group descended a giant staircase that simply sheered off like a cliff to either side.
Some ways down the stairs, but not yet at the bottom, they encountered a partially collapsed bridge lit by candles, and a golden door that seemed to glow in the candle-light on the far side. Really all that remained of the bridge were two support pillars. Orvis leapt across the gap to the first pillar, and it immediately began crumbling beneath his feet. He leapt to the second, and then across to the far side, but the others were now trapped with the gap between them too far to jump over. While the others waited, Orvis found the skeleton of a dead elf on the landing and immediately began rifling through its supplies. He found a 20' length of copper chain, a heavy basket, and empty barrel, a rusty wheelbarrow, a lead statue of a duck, several iron spikes, and a flask of oil. Ropemaker Jack managed to toss one end of a length of rope to Orvis, and they each hammered down their sides with iron spikes.
Princess Persimmon tried crossing this makeshift rope-bridge first, and attempted to show off by walking across it like a slack-line. Halfway across, she fell off and plummeted to her death. ("I didn't tell her to walk like that! She said it was SAFER that way!") One at a time, the others started shimmying across the chasm by hanging upside down on the rope. At one point, their end gave way, but Mournath caught it, and stayed until last to hold the rope for the others, before swinging across the chasm and climbing up to the landing in the end. The whole affair took on a sense of urgency when a swarm of tiny, but carnivorous snails crawled up the landing and ate Orvis, rapidly reducing him to a skeleton. The others heaped some gear into the wheelbarrow and rushed through the golden door. Mournath took another glance at the elf, and realized the skeleton was wearing human-skin leather armor and carrying a steel-hard glass sword. He declined to collect the armor, but did take the glass sword, along with a handful of ancient moon-shaped coins.
"I was the one who got Blorgamorg to listen to us! The others don't even know HOW to beg properly! Begging is my JOB, so of COURSE I'm good at it!"
Through the golden door, the group arrived in a huge natural cavern, lit by growths of glowing amber stone. There was a giant altar in the center of the room, and a slime-coated tunnel on the far side leading out. A shadow filled the room as a giant snail with gemstone eyes slithered down from the ceiling. In a booming voice, it declared "Hello little ones, Blorgamorg has use for you!" Brian dropped to his knees and began groveling, Phil nonchalantly backed away, and Spanakopita ran to the edge of the cave in a panic.
Greta politely beseeched Blorgamorg for help, and the great snail explained that his own former apprentice had returned to the island and built an accursed sanctum further below. He wanted the travelers to force out the wizard, and Greta agreed on behalf of the group. The snail patron offered them extra help, in the form of four more shipwreck survivors, who were spit out of the floor by a wave. These were Todd's replacement characters, Schitts the blacksmith, Chase the halfling moneylender, Dennis the weaver, and Dodge the caravan guard.
Jack investigated the slime-coated tunnel and saw that it was actually a chute dropping almost straight downward. Spanakopita climbed into the wheelbarrow with the gear and told the others to give it a push. The barrow raced down the greasy shaft and came to an immediate halt when the front wheel got snapped into a bear trap. Spanakopita went flying, landed face-first on some rocks, and died. Mournath went next, avoided getting speared on the wheelbarrow handle, and then called down to the others that it was safe to descend.
"I knew the wheelbarrow wasn't safe, but Spanakopita wouldn't LISTEN to me! I didn't even get a chance to SAY anything before she died! Anyway, this is where I found the wonderful medallion that made everything make SENSE for a change. The others say the amulet CHANGED me, but they're just JEALOUS because I found the BEST treasure ever!"
At the bottom of the chute, the travelers found themselves on a beach at the foot of the stairs. The water to either side of the staircase faintly glowed, and there were two burning braziers flanking a door directly across from the foot of the stairs. They saw a large, turtle-like creature washed up on the shore. Sally went to investigate, with Schitts following close behind. As she got close, a tapeworm leapt from the turtle's flank and dove down Sally's throat, desiccating her and killing her instantly. Seven more worms danced like cobras from the side of the turtle, so Schitts backed away. Greta helped herself to some of Sally's and Spanakopita's supplies.
The group saw two statues on either side of the staircase, one a statue of a man, the other a statue of a lion, both wearing medallions. Brian the wizard's apprentice recognized the man as a god of chaos and the lion as a god of laws and kings. Persimmon's body floated near the statue of the man. Greta waded out to the statue of the man and circled it, seeing that he held a dagger hidden behind his back, then took the medallion. She realized immediately that all her problems were somebody else's fault, and everyone else in the group was to blame for her current situation. ("See? It's like I TOLD you! The medallion knows! Why can't you ever LISTEN to me?") Dodge waded out to the statue of the lion and took its medallion, but then Chase took it from him and put it on. He immediately felt incredibly guilty for stealing from his friend. Meanwhile Kyle and Mournath freed the wheelbarrow and collected the bear trap.

"I want to be rewarded! I DESERVE a reward!"
The travelers passed through the door at the foot of the stairs and arrived in a rough stone chamber, with a stone dodecahedron hanging from the ceiling, swaying slightly in the breeze. Immediately under the dodecahedron was a stone altar with a white ceramic pitcher, with writing that promised "Drink if you would be rewarded for patient consideration." Kyle and Mournath assumed the hanging stone would fall and crush anyone approaching the pitcher, but Greta, Brian, Dennis, and Dodge all drank water from the pitcher. As he drank, Brian studied the geometric stone overhead, and realized that the runes carved into it were names of gods of balance.
The continued into a damp-smelling room full of glowing, twitching human-sized green ovals. Each oval was connected by a strand of slime to a central nodule, which sat atop a tall stone pillar. Schitts wriggled up the pillar and saw a dark sphere inside the green nodule. Using his blacksmithing tongs, be pulled the sphere out. As he removed it, the ovular shapes dimmed and went still. Schitts recognized that whatever this metal was, it was heavier than lead, and was carved into the shape of an eyeball with a gemstone iris.

The wanderers were eager to leave that room, but the next one they entered had a giant stone coffin, and the walls were indented with niches, where skeletons stood guard. They backed out, and found a staircase going deeper into the island sanctum. Schitts started leading the group down a hall at the bottom of the stairs, but the floor collapsed under him, and under brave Brian, who had rushed forward to try to save him. ("I wanted to save him, too! Brian pushed me out of the way! He didn't even LET me try to help!") They fell 30 feet into shallow water and both died on impact. The makeshift lantern Brian had been carrying lit the scene of carnage at the bottom of the pit. ("Plus Brian broke our lamp! What are we going to DO without a lamp, Brian?") Inspecting through the open trapdoor, they saw a third body - the skeleton of a dwarf holding a metal box. Kyle and Mournath used a chain to lower Chase down to the water. He retrieved the lockbox and was pulled back up. Mournath broke the rusted box open with his hammer and found dozens of silver coins, and a lead coin good for a free drink at one of the bars in Xothma-Ghul. The group edged their way around the trap door, and took another staircase at the end of the hall.

"If you look at it from their perspective ... then we're the ones in the wrong ... which means I'm wrong ... which means their perspective is STUPID! We should KILL them for being stupid!"

The travelers entered a slime-coated chamber where they walked in on a half-dozen slug-men eating fungus from a clay pot. The monsters dropped their mean and hastily started gathering their spears. Greta, Dennis, and Dodge found themselves afflicted with the Curse of Thoughtful Deliberation, which tempted them to consider the situation from the slug creatures' point of view. In practice, this went more like them considering considering the slug-men's point of view, then deciding to kill them anyway. Kyle and Mournath once again did most of the killing, and afterward, everyone took a shield, spear, and copper chaos-symbol necklace from the dead soldiers.

The group also inspected the clay pot, which was full of colorful mushrooms. Chase ate one, his eyes turned red, and he became able to see in the dark. Greta was jealous of Chase, ("I was NOT! Chase was jealous of ME!") ate a mushroom, and experienced the same effect. Dennis ate a mushroom that tasted foul, and caused four small mushrooms to grow out of the top of his head. He wasn't very happy with that result, so he ate another. The mushrooms on his head turned black and withered, and he began uncontrollably vomiting green sludge until he died. ("Dennis was jealous TOO! See! EVERYONE'S jealous of me!") The clay pot went into the wheelbarrow with the rest of their treasure, and the group moved on.

Entering another hall, the group found a very new-looking wooden door, along with another set of stairs leader further down. Greta peeked through the keyhole and saw a bedroom lit by candlelight. Using the dagger she stole from Spanakopita, ("I didn't steal it! Spanakopita GAVE it to me! After she died!") Greta managed to pick the lock, and the door opened silently. The air in the bedroom was clammy and damp. It was well-appointed, with fine bedsheets, tapestries hung from the walls, and a large wardrobe to match the four-poster bed. The group concluded that this must be the wayward apprentice's room. Greta opened the wardrobe and stole several fancy silk robes and bottles of perfume. ("I DIDN'T steal them! The apprentice GAVE them to me! She WANTED me to take them!") Chase found a lockbox and tried out Greta's lockpicking trick, and managed to prise it open. He found rubies, a clay vial with a potion, and a receipt for some paintings Xothma-Ghul's favorite artist, Spargo Excellerando. Mournath, Kyle, and Dodge searched the room for hidden exits, checking behind every tapestry, and eventually found a door mechanism in the wardrobe.

The room on the far side of the wardrobe was lit by a silver candelabra. This was a smaller, more utilitarian space, with a purple book on a small wooden table. Chase started flipping through the book, and as he did, a black crayfish with glowing purple runes emerged from the book's shadow and began attacking him. Mournath and Kyle assailed it with spears ("THEY'RE the ones who stole those spears from the slug-men! THEY'RE the thieves!") and Greta heroically saved the day by shutting the book and tossing it into the wheelbarrow, along with the silver candelabra. The group agreed their next move should be down the stairs to confront the apprentice.
"I killed a demon, all Todd's characters got killed again, and the slug-men wouldn't LISTEN to me! You NEVER listen to me!"
At the bottom of the stairs, the travelers entered a room filled waist-deep with brackish water. They saw another stone altar, this one glowing with red runes, and just visible at the far side of the room was a doorway out, with fresh breeze blowing in. After Blorgamorg's entrance, Kyle and Mournath immediately looked up at the ceiling, where they saw a woman with the lower body of a slug, clining to the ceiling and wielding a multi-colored sword. They immediately assailed her with spears. She quickly lost blood from her injuries, then passed out unconscious, falling into the water below, where she was speared to death.
Simultaneously, more slug-men burst up from the water and brandished spears at the party, and a giant white woolly demon slug appeared from behind the altar. The slug-men threw spears into Chase and Dodge, killing them. Greta grabbed a flask of oil from the wheelbarrow, poured it onto the water, and set it alight, holding the demon slug at bay. Mournath took the bottles of perfume that Greta stole from the wardrobe and threw them into the fire, where they exploded and drove the demon back to some other realm. ("No! He stole them from ME!") Greta brandished her talisman and tried to turn or command the slug-men, but wasn't able to compel them. Kyle and Mournath pulled the spears out of Dodge and Chase's corpses and used them to finish off the remaining slug-men. ("Maybe I WAS in command of the slug-men! Maybe I WANTED them to keep attacking the dwarves!")
Searching the fallen apprentice's body, Kyle recovered her multi-hued metal sword, and Mournath found some jewelry which he put in the wheelbarrow. They floated the barrow across the flooded room and through the door on the far side. They found three paintings leaning against the wall. One had been burnt badly, and another showed a sunny field before a distant village. Mournath touched the painting, and both he and the wheelbarrow disappeared, magically transported to the outskirts of Xothma-Ghul, a location almost identical to the painting. Kyle, feeling worried for his brother, touched the painting and disappeared as well. Greta felt worried about the treasure ("They're trying to STEAL from me! EVERYONE'S always stealing from me!") and followed close behind.