This is my entry in the Barkeep Jam hosted by Prismatic Wasteland. I wanted to write something as different as possible from my previous pubcrawl location. Among other things, my other pub was kind of out of the way and disconnected from the rest of the Raves of Chaos, this one is right in the thick of things. And I took a bit of advantage of the unlimited space afforded to blog posts. Fitting a full pub on a two-page spread requires brevity, and really good editing. Here, I let myself sprawl a little.
The Cockatrice Tail
A former sculpture garden, enclosed and used as a warehouse, forgotten, lost in a bet, then converted into a pub by its new owner. Now it's an artists' hangout, popular for its pastoral interior and abundant inspiration. Grass floor, park bench seating, lampposts for light, and dozens of statues of all kinds supply an artificial crowd even when the place is empty. Rumor has it the Medusa barkeep has ties to the criminal underworld... Located halfway between Three's Company and The Birdcage.
When the jolly crew enters the pub, roll 1d6 on the table below. If a character's number is equal to or below the result, they are in the pub right now.
1d6 - GARDEN PARTY-GOERS
1 - The Medusa works as a bartender for her aunt, the absentee owner. She knows she could run her own place better, if she could just get a chance!
2 - Down-on-their-luck Bard trying to write a comeback play about the Raves. Thirsty for gossip about events around town, and loves monologuing about what they already know.
3 - Chauntecleer and Pertelote, a canoodling pair of married chickens who love matchmaking other pub patrons, so everyone can be as happy as they are. Are any crewmates single?
4 - Delicious Dungeoneer only wants to talk about food the
jolly crew has eaten at the Raves. Wants to know exactly how it tasted, will buy drinks for advice about
where to get specific meals.
5 - Slow-moving Living Statue is maudlin and nostalgic for the good old days
of the original Caves of Chaos. Unending list of complaints about kids today. Why do things have to change?
6 - The pub's owner, elderly Auntie Echnidna checking in on her investment. Everyone's doing everything wrong, and her whole body aches because she's pregnant again.
If the Risk Dice rolls a Setback while the jolly crew is approaching the pub, roll 2d6 on the table below.
2d6 - SIDETRACKS
2 - Hobgoblin baker supervises 1d6 chalk-white goblin lackeys as they crush white rocks and pour the dust into burlap flour sacks.
3 - Hypnotized 'snake charmer' plays imaginary flute at slithering, hypnotized human 'snake', luring them back toward Somnambula's. Encourages bystanders to "come see my performance!"
4 - Blindfolded bachelorettes' party stumbling through the street playing
Pin the Tail on the Platypus. The slowest crewmate makes a Dex check or
gets nailed for 1 damage and a beaver tail they can't take off.
5 - Gambling impresario clearing a path and taking bets for an off-track cock race. Certain to run afoul of the Tuck Mob if they find out...
6 - Trio of living statues perform slow-motion reenactment of The Murder of Gonzago. Claudius poisons the King and marries Gertrude. Bystanders wonder, is this what happened to the Monarch?
7 - Haughty tailor judges a jolly crewmate's outfit as "hideous!" Starts taking measurements, cutting cloth, stripping off old clothes, and oh by the way, this will be 50 gold coins...
8 - Pair of living statues engaged in an exhibition wrestling match. Bystanders are eager to gamble, oblivious to risk of being crushed.
9 - Annoying rooster minstrel whistles, strums lute, and narrates the jolly crew's recent deeds in song, and will only go away if they can pawn him off on someone more interesting.
10 - Drunken fairy wizard flings curses around the crowd. The unluckiest
crewmate makes a Wis check or gets the features of a donkey (roll 1d6):
(1-3) tail, (4-5) head, (6) braying "heehaw" laugh.
11 - Desperate wizard fraternity pledge chases goat-chicken mascot, stolen from a rival frat, toward Ship of Thesis, offers free drinks to whoever can help catch the nimble beast.
12 - The Heir's royal baker describing cake decorations to hobgoblin chef, orders the jolly crew to assume various heroic poses for visual reference.
If the Risk Dice rolls a Setback while the jolly crew is inside the pub, roll 2d6 on the table below.
2d6 - SITUATIONS
2 - Chalk-white goblins who've been hiding motionless amongst the pub's statues scream and jump to life, startling everyone.
3 - Pair of off-duty gargoyles from the Royal Palace relaxing after work. They'll fly the jolly crew to any other pub in just 1 turn in exchange for a round of drinks at the next stop.
4 - Love sick, half starved art student, produces sketch after sketch of the statue they're obsessed with. Begs the jolly crew to buy a Corpse Reviver so they can finally be together (roll 1d4).
5 - Reform parliamentarian dressed as hedgehog and Royalist dressed as flamingo playing official croquet match to determine a crucial point of order, keep accusing each other of cheating. They demand the soberest crewmate act as an impartial referee.
6 - Catastrophic breakup between a disillusioned rave-goer and her paramour, a giant rooster wearing a disguise. She's just now, suddenly, spontaneously realized that he's not a human, he's her chicken beau.
7 - Someone (roll 1d6) urgently wants to hire the Medusa for her side-hustle turning people to stone! (1) dutiful child wants elderly parent to become their own grave marker, (2) pair of degenerate gamblers will petrify the loser of their high-stakes coin toss, (3) star-crossed young lovers vow to stay together forever, (4) Tuck Mob enforcer proffers a squirming body in a burlap sack, (5) doctor reassures dying patient they can be un-petrified once there's a cure for their disease, (6) narcissist wants to be immortalized on their most perfect hair day.
8 - Vain but self-hating snake woman throwing a screaming, glass smashing temper tantrum. She's hired yet another artist to draw a sketch or paint a portrait of her, and once again she's inconsolable and furious at the result.
9 - Boisterous bout of lawn darts in danger of flying out of control. These louts won't quit until they're beaten! Score hits on AC 10, 12, and 14 to win, the opposing team aims at the drunkest crewmate instead of their own target. Oops!
10 - Hyper intelligent white swine, the Pigmalion, an escapee from the Dreamlands, studies the statues and sculpts miniature likenesses of the patrons from living clay that mimic their models' behavior. One of the figures depicts an NPC important to the jolly crew.
11 - Obnoxious oread tourists from the Elemental Plane of Earth amuse themselves by talking to the statues and pretending they're old friends from back home.
12 - Sentimental Heir commissions 1d6 living statue thespians to reenact their sibling's final battle. The jolly crew are invited to help block out the heroic yet tragic scene.
PRICE - SIGNATURE DRINKS
1 silver coin - Fountain Drink - Day-old sparkling wine pours from the mouths of swans, giant fish, and cherubs into a central basin. Grab a glass! Free refills if the Medusa is distracted.
2 silver coins - Tail of the Cock that Bit You - Whiskey, coffee, lots of hot sauce, and a raw egg. Might wake you up, will definitely clear your sinuses.
4 silver coins - Yes I Amphora Good Time - Red wine with a hint of pine tar, served in a Grecian vase.
5 silver coins - The Green Ferryman - Hallucinogenic liquor, known to knock your head off and send you across the river to wake up dead.
1 gold coin - Everybody Must Get Stoned - A granite punch bowl big enough for the whole crew. Served so cold it makes its own fog, with straws for everyone.
10 gold coins - Corpse Reviver - A hangover cure strong enough to bring statues to life! If you roll 4-6 on your Sobriety Dice, it upgrades by one step.
This work is compatible with Barkeep on the Borderlands (found at prismaticwasteland.com), written by W.F. Smith and published by Prismatic Wasteland, LLC, pursuant to the Barkeep on the Borderlands Third Party License.
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